Okay heyyy...

I'm really bad at figuring out ahead of time what I want to write, especially for first times or last times or anything monumental. i'm much better off just flying by the seat of my pants with writing and doing what I feel in the moment. right now I feel very moved towards ideas of gratitude and hope vs self destruction.

went on vacation this past week and realized how fucking riddled I have been with uncomfortable thoughts. Things are just circling around and around in my head, no different every time it pops back up to haunt me. I was able to conclude that so much of this could be traced back to work. Working in emergency medicine, I force myself to be 'on' 100% of the time. It's a hard feeling to explain, but I'm a different version of myself when I'm doing my job. I can delegate, I can triage. I can do things I never would've thought possible. It's a gift, but it also takes up so much head space sometimes I think parts of myself are being booted to the curb to make room. 

Walking in the Michigan woods, I felt calm for the first time in ages. I felt everything and nothing at the same time. I could listen to the sticks and leaves crunching beneath my shoes. The sweat on my skin sticking and freezing against the cold northern air. I am so good at paying attention to small details that connect me with the world, but lately it's been harder to do that at home. I'm always on the clock or in bed. I couldn't give two fucks about how the sun hits my face when I haven't sat or eaten in 12 hours. 

I love to pay attention, it's something I miss the most when I'm busy. A vacation comes with all its own stressors and moments of chaos, but it also reminds me that life is valuable even when you're not "doing" anything. Maybe pleasure isn't something you earn, maybe it's a foundation to being a human being. Maybe it's a necessity we give up to physically drag ourselves through being alive. 

I am grateful for the moments when I can stop and listen to waves hitting rocks. I could sit for hours and do nothing but just be grateful I can hear water rushing beneath me. I am grateful that I can watch loons skim across the lakefront. I can taste the best ice cream I've ever had, and it's the best I've ever had because I'm happy while eating it. It is a gift to be alive, to experience and partake in what keeps us close to the earth.

Sorry if that was a lot, there's just always much to ponder. Talk soon.